Monday, April 2, 2012


The Unknown Beast of Slackridge

    

             I was a novice knight of Algantener, when a squire came to me with a letter engraved in gold, straight from the king. It read:

Sir Ardorso,

Our lands have been attacked by a beast that spews lava leaving a trail of ash in its wake. Our only warning was a smell of sulfur that curled our nostrils. I’ve sent out all my knights, but none have prevailed. Every time it attacks, a scorched, empty suit of armor is left behind. You, are our last hope. Luck to you good knight and know this; the beast’s weakness is…



            The second page of his letter was missing. I didn’t waste time asking the squire about it. I rushed to get my armor. As I pulled each piece out, I admired how the armor gleamed in the light as my brown hair and blue eyes reflected off the shiny metal. I slipped into my suit. Then I slipped the horse’s armor onto my white stallion, Shoroyal.



            The sun was rising over the horizon. As soon as light struck the fresh dew on the grass, I cried; “Onward, Shroyral, towards Slackridge and the beast that will soon be no more!” The horse reared back and gave a joyous whinny. Once his hooves hit the ground, we were off like a bolt of lightning.



            There is a legend about Slackridge. At the base of this volcano, a castle lies in ruins. There, it is said, a dragon used to protect the gate. The dragon, named Scarlentor, obeyed the man who freed him from the center of the volcano. This man was a criminal and a traitor named Garenta, also known as the Black Knight. He had the face of a demon with ash black skin and flaming red hair. The dragon built him a fortress with futuristic weapons powered by steam vents from the volcano’s core. The fortress was destroyed by the founder of our kingdom, the White Knight of Algantener. The beast I seek must be this dragon, Scarlentor. How the White Knight defeated Garenta is a mystery, but hopefully I will find the secret in the ruins.



            We reached the ruins as the sun set and the moon lit the sky with blue light. The smell of sulfur filled my nostrils. “We’re close,” I whispered. I dismounted and headed off into the chilling night. Ash gathered and covered my copper armor, turning it as black as pitch. I entered the only building. Sitting there on a throne was a figure that was supposed to have been dead for three hundred years.



            It was Garenta. Sneering he said, “You are their last resort? I’m disappointed. I thought the king would come himself. First I’ll deal with you. Scarlentor, kill this whelp.”



            I spun around to see the dragon staring me in the face. Then it looked towards Garenta and then back to me. That was when I realized, since I was covered in black ash, I looked like Garenta. I yelled, in a deep voice, “Go down to the core of the volcano and wait.”



            It worked! The beast went back down the tunnel. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain go through my chest. I looked down and saw the tip of a sword piercing the front of my armor.



            I felt hot breath on the back of my throat, “You may have tricked my pet, but now you shall die whilst I retrieve Scarlentor and destroy the kingdom.”



            “If this is so,” I gasped, “We’ll go together. Since I am dead…” I grabbed my sword and thrust it backwards through my chest catching the black knight as he leaned against me and pinning him there. “…then so are you!” As I pierced my own heart to break his, he screamed.



            The black sword in my chest turned to dust. My sight went blurry and the last thing I remembered was a flash of white light.



            When I awoke, I was in a bed surrounded by smiling wizards, doctors and even the king himself. I was alive and that’s what matters. But when I closed my eyes I heard,
 “Yes, you might live, but so do I.”




17 comments:

  1. This story was very good. I especially liked the ending where the hero had to kill himself in order to win (even though he actually lived)
    I would like to see more detail. I saw some good descriptive detail in the beginning, but I felt there could be more. Is there a reason why the ending was so abrupt? anyway I did like it.

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  2. The story was creative and original. I think the story needed to express a little more of emotions the characters. I did enjoy the story.

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  3. This is a great story. Very nice choice of words and grammar. I like the wizard of oz type ending.

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  4. I liked the story, but it would have been better if there was more to it, where he was attacked because it was all so sudden. Although, I did like the part where he risked his life to win the fight.

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  6. This story is great but i feel as though thhere ccould've been more to it. i would like to see more detail

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  7. Alright first let me say you show lots of promise and I enjoyed what I read. Now to the meat of the work... When writing dont use so many individual sentences when you can combined some, also dont fear contractions. We normally talk in them so people tend to find your characters more easy to related to if there is that common thread. Lastly, show me with words dont tell me. You made quick work of important scenes which needed much more detail. You could have easily described what your character experienced using all sences...what did the place smell of, looks comparable to, what sounds filled the air, how did the ground feel beneath his feet?
    I know you like to draw stories so give that same detail to what is written, make me see it through your eyes!
    BTW liked that you allowed it to not really reach THE END with the last statement.

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  8. Overall, you have a good story here. I agree with jeanne that more detail would help bring the world to life. Do a thorough check of spelling and tense.

    The main issue I have with the story itself is that the protagonist isn't very proactive. His armor is covered by ash by chance, which makes me wonder why the previous knights didn't have the same luck. His self-sacrifice to kill the villain is noble, but to make such an effort needs more motivation. If it were just a job, he wouldn't make such an effort - make it personal. The cliffhanger ending is good, but I'd like a reason why, and it should be a result of something the hero did (using a cursed weapon, forgetting to utter some spell, etc.). Give cause to your consequences and the story will be that much more compelling.

    As I said though, overall you've got a good story going. Give it a little polish and elbow grease and it'll only get better. Keep up the good work!

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  9. Good start. You do need to get a little more description, but at least we know how much the knight likes looking at himself in his shinning armor. Good job.

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  10. Very imaginative and descriptive. You took the classic knight in shining armor and put your own spin on it and added in a dash of "was it a dream?" Your form, voice, and technical aspects will come with time. Hang in there, you show promise for one so young. Good luck!

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  11. I agree, definate promise as you continue to write. I also agree additional details, smells, sounds etc would enhance the story.
    However, I found the idea interesting and would like to see this expanded into a great work. I've a knack for seeing behind the lines of a work and I see quite a bit in this one. Nicely done.

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  12. Definitely a good start. An easy, yet riveting read. I feel myself in your shoes. That makes me part of your fantasy. Keep it up!

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  13. Well-written. It caught my attention from the first paragraph and I'm not normally much of a fantasy reader but this enthralled me. You'll continue to learn and improve as you grow older....but I'd say you've got talent, kid!

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  14. Good use of visual imagery. Could be longer. The dream sequence is an innovative plot. Well written. Adjectives are very well used.

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  15. I don't nomally read this type of story, but i think after reading this i may be missing a great deal. I always did like the underdog and he had to make a difficult choice. It is a great start. I would like to know why he is willing to die for the kingdom and also what other hard choices he has made to make him the kind of man he is at the point of facing his enemy...tell us what he is thinking an feeling.... can't wait to read more.

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  16. Nice job. I always love it when the good guy wins and the bad guy falls.

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  17. Rewrite worded well. Visual imagery intact with appropriate use of adjectives. Vivid~

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